Oh man! This is a loaded post. After over a year hiatus from writing, I’m finally ready to start writing again, but getting this first post out has proven to be a real hum dinger! I decided to start my blog right before the pandemy really hit in the US, full of this new energy and a calling to share what I was experiencing in my self-discovery journey. A year or so prior, I had been searching for balance and purpose and wanted to share the tid-bits I had been trying out that were really making a difference, but I stumbled on much more than that! I had begun awakening. Just as soon as I decided to start to share what I was learning with my new spiritual/ self-development/ psychology hobby, I started to mourn. I was mourning the loss of having it all figured out, of who I once was. Essentially, I was mourning the shedding of my ego or my sense of self. The mourning and confusion made me pull in the reins on writing. Now, on the other side of it, I recognize that this was my dark night of the soul. Always an introvert, this pull to be silent, question everything, and learn, was more intense than I’ve ever felt before. It was very much like observing myself from the outside looking in, seeing myself from a different perspective. I needed to withdrawal to process and purge all of my stuff, all of the unhealed or unnecessary things. Really, I had to focus on unlearning everything I thought I knew about life. I spent all of my free time researching, listening to podcasts, basically learning how to stop running that old script. I couldn’t have found time to write even if I wanted to. Meanwhile, the structure of the world as we knew it started to fall apart, but he jig was already up for me! For a bit, I wondered if I had started my dark night right before the pandemic for a reason, and here I was missing my calling, but it just did not feel like the right time for me to share. Truly for the first time in my life, I trusted my intuition and focused on myself. Shwew! All that to say: that’s why I stopped blogging. Now that I’m ready to resurface, let’s dig into this awakening thing.
I want to share what my experience has looked like because awakening is a snowflake, no two people’s awakenings or paths will be exactly the same. Hearing others describe their experience in their own words has helped me gain understanding every time I’ve wondered, 'is this normal'?
For me, there really was no extreme catalyst like a near death experience, that triggered the onset of awakening. It was more like waking up one day going, ‘Ok, I did all the things: college, career, house, etc. Why do I still feel like I’m missing something? Isn’t this supposed to be success? Isn't success supposed to be making me happy? Surely there’s more to life than eat, sleep, work, repeat.’ This time frame is a bit of a blur, but I remember feeling quite defeated, yet refusing to accept a life of monotony devoid of doing something meaningful, even if it’s only meaningful to me. I was exhausted, yet vigorously seeking purpose at the same time. I did a Google search, as you do, and my journey truly started there. Somewhere between journaling and going down the YouTube awakening rabbit hole, my eyes were slowly opened. Then came the Dark Night of Soul described above. I discovered shadow work as an effective way to integrate and transmute my trauma. In this phase I was trying all sorts of modalities to heal and build my relationship with the divine. Mayhaps, it’s my Sagittarius sun craving variety, but I crave more learning and seek ‘new’ modalities to incorporate into my practice on a reg. However, practicing meditation and mindfulness flow very naturally for me as an HSP and have become my baseline. Over time my mindfulness practice, has evolved from ritualistic sitting and bringing awareness to my thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment to being so incorporated that I’m borderline romanticizing life 24/7. I’ve also found a lot of value in exploring yoga, ayurveda and mysticism across different religions and cultures. I feel like the seeking is eternal and anticipate that how I incorporate the divine into my lifestyle will continue to evolve as I evolve.
As tuning into the higher frequency feelings (gratitude, love) and focusing less on lower frequency feelings (blame, fear) became easier with my practice, I started to experience synchronicities and witness small miracles regularly. Primarily, the synchronicities come in the form of repeating numbers, or ‘angel numbers’ like 11:11 or 3:33, nearly every time I look at the clock, odometer, or anything that displays numbers. Essentially, seeing the numbers is one of spirit’s ways of communicating with me to let me know whatever I’m ruminating on at the moment is or is not aligned with my betterment, depending on the energy of the number. Through my practice, I’ve learned how to recognize and trust my intuition and empathic capabilities. Thinking back, I realized that every time I went against my intuition and chose my ego’s protection instead, it resulted in adverse effects. I tuned back into nature and flowing with each season’s energy rather than trying to fight it for the sake of (ech-um...toxic) productivity. I feel much more at ease with life, but it takes consistent inner work and recognizing triggers and working with them when they arise. I’m also able to recognize when others are projecting, but instead of reacting, I’m able to shrug it off and hold space for them.