In the current cultural climate there is a lot of apocalyptic talk and imagery everywhere you turn. There's so much fear and uncertainty felt around what our futures hold. As a self-proclaimed happiness advocate, I'm naturally inclined to speak on the subject of the power of fear, but have been very hesitant until now. One reason for my delay in posting is because the topic of overcoming fear is a very personal story for me in particular, a story which I don't particularly care for sharing. Now, let me preface by saying that I'm not a mental health specialist, doctor, or expert! I'm just a girl who at one time spent every day crippled in fear, got through it, healed, and now lives her happiest life to date! Since my blog is primarily dedicated to addressing how you can live your happiest life, I feel it's necessary to share this highly personal tale, sparing you the details, in the case that it helps just one person overcome a fear that's becoming disruptive in living an otherwise "normal" and happy life.
As a teen, I was the victim of a break in that traumatized me for life! Having an unwelcomed 'guest' in your personal space in a violent nature can have tons of different affects on your mental state. In my case, I was somewhat paralyzed at first. The shock quickly wore off and my brain started to try to control a situation that was completely out of my control. In turn, I spun completely out of control. It started with a handful of "irrational" fears and two main behaviors stemming from the trauma. My fears seemed perfectly rational to me, but when I sought the help of a mental health professional she deemed them "irrational." I became afraid of everything: people, germs, the dark, everything! The first irrational behavior I demonstrated was to try to protect myself by constantly checking to see if the doors were locked. By constantly, I mean I spent more than half the night awake because I 'couldn't remember' if I double, triple, quadruple checked the door. I would get up and check again, but then I would think, "well, what if my jiggling the handle just jarred it unlocked?" and I would unlock and lock the door again, starting the whole process all over. This would continue for hours until I was so exhausted that I eventually fell asleep. The second behavior was in response to the invasion of my personal space. I felt like every surface was contaminated. Realistically the area was only contaminated with the memory of the break in, but since there was no way I could just 'wash away' the trauma. Instead, I started washing my hands, because I could wash them, until they were raw, cracked and bleeding. There were a lot of other little behaviors that came along for the ride, but these were the two that ultimately got the attention of my brother's classmates, which was when my family realized that people outside of our immediate circle were noticing something was off. It took my brother's friend saying, "Hey. What's wrong with your sister?" for me and my family to recognize that my behaviors were affecting other people. My family tried to help, but when they tried to rationalize with me, it only upset me further. We needed professional insight into what was going on with me. Just a few months after the break in, I was professionally diagnosed with PTSD and OCD.
Pause. This right here is why I am sharing this story! In light of the recent pandemic, the trauma and the fear it has created, I see a lot of behaviors in others that remind me of that time in my life, and I have so many concerns for how this will affect people's mental health in the future. Following the CDC's guidelines are a completely rational recommended response to the pandemic! Like my husband always tells me about riding a motorcycle, you have to have a certain level of fear of what the thing is capable of doing! That is an example of healthy fear, but what about when fear becomes unhealthy? What happens if that fear starts spilling over into other areas of your life.
Fear is a seed,
that once planted grows,
rapidly like a weed;
and like a weed,
it chokes out the healthy plants in your garden.
It's so important to keep fear in check. Fear completely has the power to destroy your happiness if you let it. It seems like there should be more education on recognizing signs in your loved ones that go beyond 'normal' that may play out in the duration of this pandemic. I was already going through some things mentally prior to the break in that left my mind in a very vulnerable state when that traumatic event in my life occurred. You just never know how much a person's mind can or can't handle. Think of the mind as a tendon, too much stress and that thing snaps! The break in snapped my tendon, and my concern is that the current pandemic outbreak could snap tendons if awareness of it's affects on mental health doesn't become a part of the conversation. I just want to urge people to take some time and be mindful. Try to keep your thoughts and fears grounded in facts. Seek accurate information. Educate yourself and don't let the fear wear you down. Take part in activities like meditation, coloring, yoga that have known positive effects on destroying anxiety.
So, after a few meetings with the therapist, basically just having to explain myself, she wanted to prescribe me medication and of course more therapy. I inherently knew that if my mind could get me into that state, then my mind could get me out of it. I self corrected, no medications, and very little therapy. My utter dislike and embarrassment of talking to the therapist about my fears was enough motivation for me to want to get over it and be 'normal' again, but it took years of mental work and self talk. I would catch myself repeating a behavior, ask myself if the fears I felt were fears a 'normal' person would feel, and make myself "do it scared" over and over again to be the 'normal' person I am today. I still have some obvious OCD tendencies, but for the most part they are just funny little quirks at this point. My friends know me as a germaphobe whose probably most content at home organizing something, but the majority of them didn't know why I am this way prior to me hitting the publish button on this post. If talking about the toll fear can take on your health and happiness can keep it from happening to someone else, I'll talk about it until I'm blue in the face. Let's get the conversation going in the comments.
Much Light & Love,
Gawa
Much Light & Love,
Gawa
